How to humiliate yourself and your bike

First off, belled jester hats off to the science wizzes who developed this (seriously) impressive technology. Pretty neato stuff, and very deserving of the word “Pro” in the product name. And there’s actually a bit of exciting mystery beyond “How’s that thing work?”:

Namely, what’s going to be the Guinness record for longest duration someone will keep this thing taped to their spokes before the rational part of their brain—the part that was sleeping through the entire purchase and installation process—is suddenly awakened by all the inbound teasing and laughter, causing it to relay the realization, “Oh my god. I’ve gotta take this stupid fucking thing off my bike.”

But if you happen to be a Video Pro enthusiast and got your mom to write a check to MonkeyLectric by yelling what a total fucking bitch she was being because you’re totally going to pay her back, don’t let my cynical, grown-up attitude projectile vomit Lagunitas IPA and Don Pilar on your parade. Be excited about your latest poorly thought out purchase. In fact, to prove that I can still be fun, here are a few copy and imagery ideas, free of charge:

A tit in each wheel so the ladies know that you’re no homo
A photo of bike spokes
Your area code, because it shows you’re rollin’ with ‘hood pride
The nickname you gave yourself
Pot leafs, skulls or pot leafs growing out of skulls
“My other ride is your girlfriend”
The tattoo you’re gonna get
Arrows that point up toward the coolest guy in the world

That’ll help. And this is no small gift to you, Light Rider, seeing how I usually charge top dollar for writing and conceptualization in my day job.

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